- Melissa, a 37-year-old from Heideveld, shares her experience of surviving domestic violence..
- Despite a decrease in intimate femicide rates since 1999, many women like Melissa face ongoing abuse, including verbal, financial, and physical.
- Melissa’s story underscores the challenges of leaving an abusive relationship, including financial dependency and lack of support.
“I am a survivor of domestic violence”
For Melissa, a 37-year-old woman from Heideveld, living to tell her story is by grace. For thousands of other women across the country, they are not that fortunate.
According to the Department of Justice and Constitutional Development several forms of femicide have been identified across the world, with intimate partner violence (domestic violence between intimate partners) identified as intimate femicide.
Story not unique
According to the department, in a study conducted in South Africa in 2009, the rate of intimate femicide has seen a decrease with 5,6 per 100 000 women aged 14 years or older, while in 1999 the rate of 8,8 per 100 000 women aged 14 years and above was registered.
While much emphasis has been placed on combatting gender-based violence in the country for a number of years, Melissa’s story is not unique.
“I met a nice man and we got married in 2007 when I was 20. Things were tough for us financially and we lived in a wendy house with his parents. This is where things started,” she says.
Working as a shop assistant at the time, having her first child meant she never returned to work, which was a mutual decision by the couple, she says.
“Looking back now, leaving my job was the worst decision I ever made. But there is this dream that is sold to us. We must be mothers. I was so young when I had my first baby, so we had to get a lot of help from my mother-in-law,” she says.
Not being fully independent and relying on his parents for both financial and emotional support started a cycle of abuse beyond her marriage, says Melissa.
“For me it started with constant verbal fights. We would argue about everything. We would argue about money. He would swear at me constantly and talk about how bad I looked. How I did not meet what he was used to,” she says. “As children, we are not taught about such a thing as verbal abuse. We grow up with swearing. It is normal. I did not know this was abuse.”
Escalating problem
Verbal abuse turned to financial abuse and eventually physical abuse.
“It started with one time, then more often. I thank social media, because this is where I learnt about gaslighting,” she says. “When you are in it, you don’t see it as clearly.”
Melissa says embarrassment was one of the main reasons she stayed.
she says.
“Seeking help and support of others is what helped me leave after almost 10 years. I hear from so many others the same thing. They did not tell anyone because they believe it was their fault or that it would not happen again. The problem is all over. Getting protection orders there are so many hoops to jump through and then it is only a piece of paper,” she says.
“I know first hand how difficult it is to see light and to leave. We all have these battles to fight. In the end, so many people knew I was being abused. I became isolated from everyone. It was up to me to do something to help myself. I could not rely on someone else to do it for me. Get up. Get help. There is help.”
